Coping with Infertility
Coping and waiting with infertility can actually happen simultaneously. I also believe that you can be content and contend at the same time. I can be content in most areas of my life, my marriage, my family, my job, and in other relationships, while I contend for a miracle. For me, coping and waiting hasn’t really stopped. It’s been an ongoing process for several years.
In the beginning, we coped with it by just telling ourselves that we were on God’s time and not ours. We told ourselves that it’s just not His time for us. We honestly didn’t think that there was an issue, especially in our late 20s. Once I hit my 30s, that’s when I realized that this wait had gone on for too long and that I had to build the courage to face whatever was going on.
Of course, like most women and couples, I think I heard everything. I heard to just relax. It’s not God’s time for you. Keep praying. Don’t give up. Have faith. We were also told to try so many different remedies that included essential oils and many other things. Nothing was clearly working for us and it was getting very frustrating. Not to mention, people were questioning when we’d have kids and it was hard for them to understand that it was beyond our control.
People at church prayed for us. It was helpful. But, it did get tiring week after week after week. I didn’t expect people to always pray for us. So, sometimes it did get very lonely. It was hard to see all the women around us getting pregnant. There were friends, family members, and our church family. It was hard. We did the best we could to manage and we held onto hope believing that God had something special for us.
Going through treatment created a huge burden for us. We were devastated in a way that we had never been. We were both in shock. We were hurt. We were angry and it was so hard. I also did my best to try to help people understand what we were feeling. We weren’t jealous of anyone. But, seeing what they had, reminded us of what we didn’t have and what we yearned for. I didn’t want their lives or their children, I wanted my own. The thought of not experiencing the firsts was so hard too. We wouldn’t see the first ultrasound, hear the heartbeat for the first time, we wouldn’t see our baby’s first breath, have a baby shower, have a gender reveal. We wouldn’t even get the privilege of doing a pregnancy test the traditional way. Then, we would miss all of the milestones, first tooth, first roll over, first crawl, first steps. Even as I write this, I’m reminded of so much that we will miss out on.
The solution is a child. I often think that our life would somehow be complete once we have our children. I’d get to see a mini me and a mini version of my husband. I don’t know if this will happen and we face “what’s next” for us all the time. We definitely know that we will not do IVF again. It was just too much for us the first two times and we cannot put ourselves through that. We have looked into adoption. As of today (07/06/2021), there is a waitlist for adoptions or some agencies will not open up until the fall. The cost is between $29K – $60K also. And, yes, we know that Foster to Adoption is an option too. Yes, we know that we could foster children and offer them a loving home. But, that takes work too. That takes time. That requires a lot of sacrifice. It’s our personal decision and to be honest, with all of the heartbreak we have been through, we are a little afraid of experiencing more.
So, we often use distractions to get through. We try our best to move forward. We go on vacations. We invest in our marriage. We work hard. We have our four dogs that we love so much. We take one day at a time and we do our best. Some days it hurts…..like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and back to school times or end of school year times. But, we weep, we pray, and we hold onto whatever hope we have left.
I’m so grateful to have a husband who is present with me too. It has taken us so long to get to this place where we can be completely open, honest, and transparent with how we feel. But, I am also very glad to have his love and support. We are a team. We’re coping as a team and getting through as a team. I pray we’re not in this season forever. I don’t know what that looks like though. Will it be with children or will it be getting to a point where we accept a childless life?