Divorce is still a very common thing in the U.S. In addition, the issues in marriages that lead to divorce are still consistent. So, if you're someone who is experiencing divorce, you're definitely not alone.
As a therapist, I pride myself in being open and honest with others. I believe that having experiences that are similar to others can really help create a stronger therapeutic connection and relationship. I also believe that clients feel understand more often when they know their therapist has a similar experience that they have.
In December 2023, I asked my husband for a divorce. This was after spending 18 years of our lives together and being married for over 16 years. Although my ex-husband was a great person who I witnessed a lot of growth and maturity over the years, he struggled to be faithful to our marriage. I realized that, after two years of trying, that I would never be able to regain the trust in him that I once had before. It is also important for me to point out that he was unfaithful more than once.
When I asked for the divorce, it was gut-wrenching. However, I spent weeks trying to process my feelings about it. I tried to understand myself as much as I could. The biggest conclusion was that I needed to heal from the infidelity on my own and stand on my own two feet in the process. Since we struggled with infertility for several years and we remained childless, I also believed that I needed to heal in this area as well. There were a lot of tears leading up to asking for the divorce and after. I realize it was really hard to accept and there was also a part of me that felt like a failure. I made the decision for myself and ultimately, I felt like I had to choose to love myself. I felt like I had to choose to work on my self-worth and realize who I was and what I deserved.
My ex-husband and I agreed to the divorce and we filed in late January 2024. We didn't want a fight. We didn't want tension. We didn't want to be enemies. We were both going through a lot of hurt but, we still wanted the best for each other. By the beginning of April 2024, our divorce had been finalized. I know that this is not typical of many divorces. It is very rare that two people can agree and consent to it with the courts. I was very fortunate to not have to go through the process of hiring an attorney and spending several months in court. Not having children honestly made this process a lot easier. Additionally, we were both committed to being realistic about where we were financially and a lot of trust was built around the status of our shared home. We also agreed to share our fur babies and to share time with them.
Post divorce, my ex-husband and I are both figuring things out for ourselves. He moved out at the end of March and got a place of his own. I transitioned into being financially independent. We have worked really hard to build a friendship and we're doing great with taking care of the fur babies. We both committed to working on ourselves independently and we're still a work in progress. I, personally, have released some guilt from the infertility but, I also experienced guilt about asking for the divorce and putting the both of us in tough situations. I know that we're both doing our best and we're moving forward. I do need to remind myself often that I made the right decision for myself. I have to remind myself that I chose myself at the end of the day. I am still working on believing that I am good enough, that I am worthy, and that I deserve a faithful and loyal partner.
Since the beginning, I've expressed support for my ex-husband to build a new life for himself and to start a family with someone. He is still working on it and I know he's trying to work on himself so he is the healthiest in his next relationship. I am very proud of him and he still remains a great fur dad. Clearly, I have no hard feelings for him. I cannot wait until the day comes where he tells me that he has either found someone great and when he and his new partner are pregnant. Again, not many people can get to this place but, I honestly committed to trying to make this the healthiest divorce possible. Not to mention, he wishes me the very best and he also hopes that I find someone who can love me in ways that he couldn't. He wants me to find someone who is secure in themselves and who can be loyal and faithful to me.
I know that not all divorces end up like this. There is so much grief and loss in the process. There is denial, guilt, shame, anger, and even confusion. If you have children, I cannot even imagine how much harder the process is. If there are a lot of financial disagreements and/or custody disagreements, the process can take so much longer. I realize that some divorces can take years to be finalized and in that time, it feels so challenging to move forward when you feel like something is holding you back. I empathize with those who have to go through a very long battle. I want to encourage people though, as I've worked with many individuals who have had long divorces, that you will get through it and it will all work out ok. It is hard, devastating, and heartbreaking. I believe that with support, you can heal and find happiness again.